You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
