I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
