the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
