i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
