Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
