WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
