My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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