sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
