i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
