I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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