If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
