My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
