My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
