quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
