btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
