Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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