The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
