I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
