omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
