4 words: hood of his car
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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