I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
