Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
