Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
