I just saw a hot homeless man
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
