why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
