SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
