I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Randomize
