my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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