I'm eating all of the evidence.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
