My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
