You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Ladies don't puke and tell
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
