The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
