god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize