You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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