I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
