I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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