If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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