I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
