I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
