i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
