The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
