I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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