the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize