Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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