I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
