Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
