Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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