You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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