My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize