your parents love me but you hate me
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
