ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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