I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
