Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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