I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
