Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sorry my hands just texted you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
