I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
