the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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