my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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