Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
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