It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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