so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
