My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
